There’s this episode in season three of The Office when Pam has an art show and she decides to invite everyone from work to come. After taking her very first painting class, she displays her watercolors in a gallery, along with her entire class. To her severe dismay, her watercolors go practically unnoticed amongst the big, elaborate canvases displayed by her classmates. No one shows up for her show, save for her awful boyfriend, Roy, and Oscar, whose friend completely criticizes Pam’s work right in front of her. An incredible failure sinks deep into her, and Pam Beasley, my personal hero, feels the all-too-familiar burden of defeat.
We’ve all experienced the sting of failure, yet some people are able to cope with it more resiliently than others. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always had difficulty with failure. Defeat so easily finds itself on my doorstep, and I often allow it to define me. Anytime I begin feeling as if who I am or what I’ve done will never be worthy of any sort of praise from others, I want to give up. I have invented my own version of success, and if I don’t live up to it, I feel completely insignificant.
Last week, I participated in the 2nd Annual Fresh Paint Art Show, in which I had submitted four pieces, in hopes to sell them for Africa revenue. I worked really hard on my pieces, and I thought they were decent enough to display in the gallery. Unfortunately, I showed up the morning of the show to hang them, and my heart sank. Everyone else’s work was light-years better than my measly watercolors that were sure to go overlooked on the gallery walls. I was humiliated as I watched people walk around, and although they weren’t saying it out loud, I just knew in my wretched little heart that they were thinking terrible things about my artistic abilities. It was then that I thought of Pam, and I realized how similar we were at that moment. Failure weighed heavy upon me, so I hung my head and allowed Satan to beat me up about it. I felt like giving up. I had sat on the sidelines with my artwork, and he first time I put myself out there, no one fell at my feet in praise of my work, so I felt like I failed.
Truthfully, I often steer clear of doing things if there is a chance of failure involved. God gives me these huge desires, yet I always cower in fear on the brink of that final leap, simply because I don’t want to feel defeated. This attitude only allows me to sit around a sulk, rather than embracing the challenges that God presents me with. I’m afraid that I will end up with nothing to show for myself, so I pine over the meaning of success. What does it even look like? Someone once told me that success is living a whole day in complete obedience to God. I don’t think that I look to God for success enough, and that’s where I fail.
Failure didn’t stop Pam from pursuing the path she had been blessed with, and I should look to that as an example. One of my favorite songs is a song called “Challengers”, which often serves as courage for me, as it says, “another vision of us, we were the challengers of the unknown.” Why not challenge the unknown? Even if we fail in the eyes of mankind, we will never fail in the eyes of our Creator, as there is success in following Him that is unlike anything of this world.
I can, indeed, claim the reason why I have this issue, which leads me to my next point: I care too much about what people think of me. In fact, part of me is worried about what my team will think of me being the first person to write a free blog. Will they think I’m really lame? Will they think that I have no social life and I all I do is sit around on my computer all day? Now, isn’t that silly? The answer, my friend, is not really blowin’ in the wind…it lies in part two of this blog. So, until next time…
Sigur Ros – Glosoli
